Communicating with Children

Good communication is an important parenting skill & helps to build self-esteem & mutual respect.   This page provides useful information and techniques on how to communicate effectively with children & also their teachers & coaches. We also have some school & homework tips & techniques for encouraging positive behaviour, reading & positive television viewing. 

We have listed some of the wonderful techniques for positive communication. These are not just effective on children, but others as well& are great habits to get into!

• When your child is doing an activity, let them know that you are interested and involved and that you will help when needed.
• Mute/turn off the tv or put reading material down when your child wants to talk.
• Embarrassing your child or putting them on the spot in front of others will lead only to resentment and hostility.
• Physically get down to the child's level then talk. Don't tower over them.
• If you are very angry about a behaviour or an incident, wait until you have calmed down before talking to you child.
• If you are very tired, you will have to make an extra effort to be an active listener.
• Listen carefully and politely. Don't interrupt the child when he is trying to tell his story.
• Don't unravel minor threads of a story and never allow the child's own theme to develop. If the child starts to tell you about an incident, don't interrupt them & say, (for example) "I don't care what they are doing, you had better not be involved in anything like that."
• If you have knowledge of a situation, confront the child with the information that you know or have been told.
• Saying things such as "You'll talk when I have finished.", "I know what's best for you." or "Just do what I say " is not helpful in keeping the lines of communication open.
• Show them that you are listening to what they are saying by nodding, smiling etc.
• Praising their efforts to communicate. When children are praised for good behaviour, they continue to do it!

Children thrive on positive attention but unfortunately some find it easier to provide negative feedback rather than positive. Children need to feel loved and appreciated. As an adult, you know that every person is unique but your child doesn't know this. Teach them how and why he is unique. Praise is only valuable when it is genuine and descriptive so it is important that you use meaningful praise that describes what you notice, like or approve. Self esteem will effect your child's success and happiness throughout their life. It influences our attitudes about what we can or cannot do, how we cope with problems, and how we get along with others. It is the way we see ourselves & also how we believe that others see us too. When a child feels loved & capable, they develop a strong self image & gain confidence to achieve anything. We have listed some words & phrases you can use daily with your child to let them know that they are doing well. After a while, you will notice positive behavioural changes.

Yes, Good, Fine, Very good, Very fine, Excellent, Wonderful, Correct, Your right, Marvelous, Much better, Well done, Great idea, Good work, Good job, That's good, Wow, Good going, Very nice, That's the way, Good for you, What a clever idea, Your getting better at that, That's perfect, Keep it up, That's it, Way to go, You're great at that, You're the best, Good remembering, That's beautiful, Now you've got it...and last, but certainly not least, I love you!

I like the way you do that    I'm pleased with (proud of ) you, I like the way you ______,      I noticed that you ____, You are improving at ______ more and more, You showed a lot of responsibility when you ______,     You were so helpful when you ____, I appreciate the way you ______,     I like the way you ______ with out having to be asked/reminded, I'm sure glad you are my son/daughter ,     Now you've got it           

There are also ways that you can show them how you feel about their behaviour as well as tell them. Some of these include:

Smiling, winking, giving them a 'high 5', clapping, nodding, giving them a pat on the back/shoulder, a hug, tickle & laughing with them.

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Discipline sounds like such a harsh word when used in the context of parenting, but it isn't the same as punishment. It is teaching your child which behaviours are acceptable and the ones that aren't, helping your child learn right from wrong & learning how to respect other people. There is no discipline handbook that all parents should follow because all children are different & have different temperaments, so one style of discipline that works for one child, may not necessarily work for another. The techniques that you use for discipline should aim to help to develop a child that feels loved, secure, confident, self disciplined & doesn't get overly frustrated with everyday stresses. Your behaviour while disciplining your child plays a huge role in determining how your child is going to behave (or misbehave) in the future. Giving in to their tantrums, squealing etc, even if it is rarely,

Parents who rule by fear (this means overly strict, demand absolute obedience) tend to create children that are afraid of them and fearful of new challenges and experiences. On the other hand, parents that are permissive (too lenient, don't set behavioural guidelines) will generally have a lot of trouble in the future with their child's behaviour creating children who are spoiled, disrespectful and cannot make their own decisions.

When setting behavioural rules, it is important that you explain to your child why they are necessary. It is a great idea to revise these as your child grows up & to take into account their child's point of view. This helps encourage independence, self discipline & promotes positive communication.

When a child is praised for good behaviour, then it is usually repeated. And it is alot easier to encourage good behaviour than it is to try and change bad behaviour. Here are some tips for encouraging better behaviour in your child:

• Reinforce good behaviour by offering praise when your child does well. Children seek approval for the things that they do, especially from their parents. Use some of the words we have listed above.
• To help your child learn independence & decision making, allow him to have some choices on what he can do. For example, offer a choice between clearing the table or stacking the dishwasher. Do not use this technique in situations where your child must cooperate with your rules.
• Stop doing things for them when you have expected they do it. For example: If you expect your child to fold their clothes & put them away, then you do it for them, why should they bother doing it? When children are allowed to do as many things for themselves as possible, they feel proud and competent.
• Let your child know that good behaviour can be fun . Making some chores feel like a game will mean that your child is more likely to comply. Washing the car to the beat of some music or seeing who can pick up the most toys are a few examples.
• Establish a reward system to promote good behaviour Make you own board with a list of each chore to be done & on which day, then have a list of what reward is available for how many chores completed. For example: Doing homework each afternoon for the week will equal 5 stars, & 5 stars may equal a reward. Or they could save all the rewards for all their chores to spend on a big reward like going to the movies, beach etc.

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There are some basic guidelines to make the discipline effective. We have listed some of these suggestions here for you:

• Your child needs to learn to understand that there are predictable consequences for their actions. It is important that you are consistent in your methods of discipline and how you punish your child. Make sure all people that look after your child know what these are also.
• Decide on the things you are going to say & do to help your child understand the consequences of their actions.
• If possible, try to set a daily routine for younger children and try and stick to it everyday. Some great routine activities include baths, naps, bedtime & meals.
• Try to learn to ignore harmless misbehaviour such as fidgeting.
• Provide a safe environment that encourages exploration, but protects your child. For example, you can prevent your toddler from getting in trouble for opening drawers and cabinets if you have safety locks preventing them from opening.
• When setting guidelines, remember to set them with your child's age and developmental level in mind & make sure they fully understand what they are. You cannot expect your child to follow guidelines if they are not clear & easily understood.
• Try to avoid repeating commands over & over. If your child doesn't cooperate after the first time, then repeat it with a warning. After that you should carry out the consequence.
• If you have told your child what the consequence or reward is for a certain behaviour, it is important that you do it immediately. Some children think they have won even if they have only gotten away from the consequence for a few short time.
• Every now & then you will have to say 'no' to your child. It is common to expect crying or a tantrum because they haven't gotten their way. These should be ignored.
• Giving in to whining, crying or tantrums only teaches your child that this kind of behaviour is an appropriate way to get what he wants.
• Don't argue with your child about the punishment. Ignore any protests. You can talk about it later.
• Make sure you plan ahead for things such as shopping or visitors. Let your child know beforehand what your expectations are and what the consequences of misbehaviour will be.
• It is important that you are flexible , especially with older children and adolescents. Actively listen and get your child's input on some rules and punishment.
• Use ‘I' messages , instead of ‘you' messages. For example, say ‘I am upset that you didn't take the rubbish out,' instead of ‘You made me upset for not taking out the rubbish.' 'You' message sound a lot harsher & can make your child think that you are just trying to make them feel bad.
• If you have had to discipline your child, it is important that you briefly explain the rule and what your expectations were when he misbehaved and what the proper behaviour would have been.

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Develop a strategy and stick to it. If your child throws a tantrum just keep ignoring them instead of rewarding and they will soon stop. Be sure to praise them for having fewer and fewer scenes. This way they will learn self discipline, which is a necessary life skill that all children must learn. Here are some discipline techniques you may like to try the next time your child goes into a tizzy.

• Try & distract your child's attention away from inappropriate behaviours
• Some children respond to the 'time-out' method. Having your child sit still in the chair for 15 mins, as an example, can give your child time to think about their behaviour& the consequences of what will happen if this bad behaviour continues.
• When saying 'no' to your child, say it in a firm tone while looking your child in the eyes.
• You may need to physically move your child when he is misbehaving, especially if he didn't respond to your firm ‘no.'
• Some children continue throwing tantrums because they have an audience. If you stop giving them this attention while they are having one of these episodes then you will find that this inappropriate behaviour will soon stop.
• Use natural consequences to let your child learn the consequences of his actions. For example, if he throws a toy out the window, then he can't play with it anymore.
• Use logical consequences for example, if he doesn't put away his bike, then you will do it instead, but then he won't be able to ride it for an amount of time.
• Withholding privileges can be a very effective discipline technique, especially for older children. As a consequence for inappropriate behaviour , take away some of the things that they enjoy, such as playing video games, watching movies, using the computer & talking to friends on the phone.

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Just because your child isn't doing reading for school, doesn't mean that they aren't actually 'reading'. If you want to help your child broaden their range of reading skills, there are many things that you can do, for example, while they are at the breakfast table eating their cereal get them to read the box to you. As an added task ask them why they think the cereal company has advertised the cover in the way they have. There is also advertising material that comes in the letterbox, the local newspaper, magazines & various packaging around the house. If your child sees you reading newspapers and magazines and not relying on television as the sole source for news and entertainment, chances are high that your children will do the same. Your child will also get a feel for critical issues that are going on in the world. To help encourage your child to read find an article that relates to the child or any interests that they have. You could say something such as "Oh, look at this! Can you believe it?" or "I think you may be interested in this ". Discuss some issues with other adults in front of your child so that your child can learn by seeing you reading newspapers & discussing issues. Parents are important role models in shaping what your child thinks, feels & values.

Television is another area that people get information from. Although many children stare blankly at it for hours watching movies & cartoons getting caught up in the pretend world of TV. There are a few ways in which you can help your child become a more critical television viewer. Here are a few suggestions you may like to try.

• By asking your child how they would handle a situation that is on tv will help them learn problem solving & analytical skills. Don't forget to praise them on their ideas!
• Remind them that TV world is not real & let them in on a few of the tv tricks & most of the scenes in 'reality' tv shows are edited or scripted.
• TV teaches that some people are more important than others. Do TV people look and dress like regular people?
• Many tv shows are pretty much all the same story line, they just have different actors in them. See if your child can identify some of these.
• Adds are a huge part of tv. Let them know that these are how the station makes it's money. Count how many adds you see in a half-hour and time them. What sort of adds are shown during what type of shows? Show them how toys & games are used to promote cartoons and vice-versa.

When your child first goes to school or a new school, it is important that you meet with the teacher, preferably in the first week, to build a trusting relationship so that there are easy & open lines of communication when it comes to discussing your child. Because the teacher doesn't know much about your child, you can provide them with helpful information; how your child is developing, learning numbers, colour, shapes, or maths, science etc, & also any obstacles that your child may be having. Let the teacher know that they can call you regarding your child at any time & that you want to make sure that your child gets a good education by dealing with any issues as soon as they arise & also knowing that your child is doing a great job so that you can give them praise & encouragement. After your child has attended school for a month or so, drop in to see the teacher just to see how your child is doing. Do they get along with other children, have they made friends, do you see any learning problems arising in any areas, can they work in a group? These are just a few questions you may like to ask. Make a list of any questions you have for the teacher or any points you would like to mention.

Don't be too concerned of your child hasn't made many friends or prefers to spend time alone. As adults we all have different temperaments & children are just the same. Ask your teacher if there are any other children in the class with the same temperament & if so, try to arrange for them to spend some time together, either working together at school or speak to the parent & arrange some playtime for the two children. If your child is happy & isn't showing any signs of being sad & lonely, there probably isn't much need for concern. Bossy children & ones that don't tend to follow the rules also have trouble making friends. Try to discreetly observe them as they interact with other children to see how they behave. This may give you a few clues as to why they haven't made any friends.

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When your child is doing homework, it is important that you provide them with an effective place to do it in. We have listed a few tips to try & make this time a little more productive.

• First things first...turn the TV off! Some children, like adults, find some soothing music helps such as rainforest sounds etc. You will soon know if this is hindering your child's concentration & is not appropriate for when they are studying.
• Also, make sure that your child has everything they need to complete the work. Look over what needs to be done to make sure that if they require any special study materials, these are ready at hand. It is a good idea to have a "homework box". Make sure it is filled with things such as pens, pencils, dictionary, scissors, glue etc. Then when it's homework time, all they have to do is pull the box out & they have what they need in one spot ready & waiting.
• Make sure that other people in the house know that it's homework time & not to make any unnecessary distractions.
• Be sure that they are working in a well lit area.
• Be positive about homework! If you don't like it, how do you expect them too! "What new things are we going to learn today?" Think of it as time that you spend with your child having them show you how to do things.
• Set a timetable for homework. This will allow them to learn some time management skills. Any big projects can perhaps be done on a Saturday morning with the whole family. Visit places that relate to the project on the Saturday & complete the project on the Sunday, for example. This helps to make the learning fun & chances are, they won't even realise that it's "work".
• If your child asks for help, give it...but be sure that your not answering the questions for them. Even out of frustration we sometimes feel like giving them an answer or two. They learn nothing from this except that if they persist with asking, they will get what they want.
• If your child has to read a book for school, why not sit down & read a book too! It's a great excuse to have a sit down & relax while teaching your child that the skills they are learning now, they will use as they grow up.
• Sometimes your child may get frustrated with some of the work they are doing. This is a great time to have a short break. Put on some shoes & go for a walk with your child. This gives them time to clear their mind & calm down before tackling the task again.
• Reward good behaviour & hard work to reinforce the positive effort your child has been showing. Sounds like a good excuse to have pizza for dinner!
   
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